And if that’s how I really feel, it, for me, it makes saying no or declining an invitation, aligned with how I feel, which is that I want to lovingly say no to that person that I care about. So we’re like, “I’m just going to tell them.” I’m like, “No, you’re not, because that doesn’t work.” What you can do is slowly but surely, as I teach you in the book, take baby steps towards establishing different boundaries that are more aligned with the way you feel. Learning to speak your truth with ease and grace. And before you know it, talking true will literally become your new normal. And it feels so good to be seen. Desires are really the ones, if you were to say this is important to me, that’s more likely that falls in the desire category. But these are all boundaries, right, because they, they impact what’s happening in our daily lives. When you move into limits and deal-breakers, you need to know yourself. I have this thing where, I’m a highly sensitive person, and I’ve shared a bunch in the book about empaths and highly sensitive people because these are my people. And so, I don’t like places with loud music and whatever. So, and when I’m done somewhere, I need to leave, that’s it. So I always make sure I can drive and I always make sure when it’s time. So all my, my girls, I have the same friends since Nixon was in office. When your boundary is violated, reflect on these two questions: (1) who do you become when you let the other person cross your boundary? Did you become 4-year old you? (2) who does the other person remind you of? (2) Does the other person who does not respect your boundary remind you of your mom, your sister from childhood? Perhaps you are in this mental cycle that leads you to a repeat boundary violation pattern. Marie Forleo: Hey, it’s Marie Forleo and welcome to another episode of MarieTV and The Marie Forleo Podcast. If you’re someone who struggles with setting good boundaries, you’re going to love today’s episode. Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert. For over two decades, Terri has been working with clients and her special gift is taking complex psychological concepts and making them actionable and accessible. She inspires over a quarter million people each week through her courses, blog, and podcast, The Terri Cole Show. Her book, Boundary Boss, is available now.

Most of my clients did not identify with being codependent. I would see these high-functioning women who are literally changing the world, and I would say, “Hey, let's talk about codependency.” They thought I was nuts because they thought of themselves as the one with all the answers, as the person everyone else depended on. They thought being codependent meant you had to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. But really if someone else's disaster or debacle feels like your own and you feel an urgency as if it were your life, that’s codependency.

So there’s two things that I always see happen. One, is that every person is like, “I literally can’t wait to get a bullhorn and tell everyone like, there’s a new boundary sheriff in town. Everything is going to change. I’m not doing this anymore.” They want to literally have a conversation with everyone. I was like, “Okay, how about we have no conversations, not like that because it almost is discharging the anxiety that you feel about changing the dance, right?” We’re unilaterally changing our relationship, relationship dances, and that brings up anxiety. There's a process that I walk the reader through where we are going into the basement of your mind, which is your unconscious mind. You’re opening up some boxes and going through the material in there because so much of what happens in our lives–especially the dysfunctional parts–is driven by unconscious material. it's no wonder then that grown women struggle to set boundaries. Even now, women are told that they can multi-task and men can't: therefore they can do more, juggling busy jobs, kids, and housework, whereas men can only focus on one thing. Whoever invented this lie (and I'm pretty sure it was a man!) needs a medal for "Excellence in Marketing" - selling women the story that they can do it all and have it all, leaving women exhausted trying to please everyone and themselves; while men get off lightly because they (poor things!) can't multi-task. Leaving them more time to do what they want to do. Terri Cole: We, we definitely do not need the machete, but what is interesting is that in all the scripts, because I gave every scenario you could find yourself in, from in-laws, to neighbors, to narcissists, to everybody, you can make them your own. So you will find a way. And we also have sentence starters where, listen, if it’s someone who I love, then I, then I want to start with something positive. And say, “You know, Betty, I love that you always think of me and I always think to ask me these things, like it makes, it really makes me so happy that you do and yet I can’t go on Sunday to whatever, but thank you.”

Marie Forleo: Yeah. And it doesn’t lead us to peace and it doesn’t lead us to freedom, and it doesn’t lead us to allowing other people the space and the grace to live their lives and take care of themselves. I love it. Marie Forleo: In this episode of MarieTV, we do have some adult language. So if you have little ones around, grab your headphones now. As women, we want to be “good girls.” We want to be nice, generous, and kind. But what we also want is the dumpster fire of that other person's life to stop ruining our peace. We think if we could just fix their problems, then maybe we can rest. Terri Cole: Yeah, that’s, that’s so mind-blowing when I got that in my life that a lot of my clients would be like, “But, I don’t know, I kind of feel empty, I’m not sure. But, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I mean, my relationship is perfect. We never fight. Like it’s just perfect.” I was like, “Well, I don’t know, you might feel empty for lots of reasons but just because you don’t fight actually doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re being seen or heard or known, that you are deeply connected to this person. So you’ve mastered the art of avoiding conflict, and that’s one thing. But is that, does that really, is that the marker of an excellent relationship? It’s not.” I mean, we make sacrifices all the time. We have families, we have spouses, we have partners, we have friends and family. Sure. But in general, I mean, I negotiate for my preferences all the frigging time because I want to, because I believe that my husband cares, I know he does, what I think and what I want. And I care about him too. So it isn’t like I’m trampling on him. If he says, “You know, Terri, actually, this thing is important to me.” I’m like, done.Terri Cole: You know, So you don’t have to convince people that you have a right. And you don’t need a good enough… because in, in romantic relationships, I just want to say this one last bit about this.