what is the point of living if we cannot be true to ourselves? to fully trust our hearts to lead us in the right direction? on my death bed, I want to know that I gave my all to the people that I love. that I chased after my dreams relentlessly and fearlessly. that I showed up as my authentic self, day in and day out. I want to say that love was my best friend. I want love to lay with me when I take my last breath. I want to be love. I want to give love. and I want to be loved. we make the perfect friends, but neither of us know how to make the first move. it’s eating me alive. I cannot live with this secret much longer. the conversation is coming. I’m building up enough courage to set myself free. stay tuned.

Permission to Be (permission to feel) : North, Karlee R Permission to Be (permission to feel) : North, Karlee R

you probably don’t know this but every kiss, every conversation, every cuddle, every touch with you, brings me closer to myself. loving you is quite literally teaching me how to love me too. sometimes I feel gross, like there is something gross about being gay. and then you touch me, you look at me, you kiss me, and all of those toxic thoughts slip away. believing in you, is believing in me. loving you, is loving me. supporting you, means supporting me too. you are my biggest supporter, best ally, best friend. you are exactly what I need right now. “we” are changing my life. This put together book of separate journal entries/story/poems feels so personal, and like I’m just having a one on one conversation with the writer. It’s deep, it’s meaningful and it’s for anyone that has ever questioned their own sexuality. Or anyone that’s had days where they didn’t know their purpose, and they might need a little reminder that they matter. together (virtually) after and it helped. I have some introspection to do, and lots of self-care. I’m less afraid to be alone with my thoughts. they have calmed, no more anger. no more frustration. I still have questions, but I’m coming to terms with leaving them unanswered. she said no, there is nothing more that I can do. I said what was on my chest, and she gave me the answer I need to move on. I have to trust the timing of my life. I’m so proud of myself.I’m sorry that I am so apologetic during sex. I’m just not used to someone being so patient with me. I guess I am insecure because it’s hard for me to get out of my head sometimes. so instead of saying sorry, what I actually mean is thank you. thank you for being so patient. thank you for being so dedicated to me and my pleasure. thank you for never making me feel uncomfortable or shameful. thank you for being the most beautiful, kind, and caring soul. sex with you is something so powerful, we send ripples into other galaxies. sober me is really good at hiding it, but I am so attracted to you. the way you smile. the way you exist. the way you look at me. I just want to kiss you. to feel your lips. everything could make sense then. all I want is to be honest with you, but I’m afraid I never will be. I’m too afraid of rejection. and a world in which I’m gay. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how you feel…

Permission to Be (permission to feel) - Kindle edition by Permission to Be (permission to feel) - Kindle edition by

I haven’t been crying as much as I did last year. my heart isn’t something that I have to drag around anymore. I no longer cry myself to sleep or long for the things that I cannot have. I am so much more content now. and sometimes it scares me to not cry. because two years ago, the tears felt like they were keeping me alive. when I cried, that was the only time I felt anything. I lived a numb life. and I survived. now I smile when I open my eyes. I remember to look up at the sky. I sip my coffee with gratitude. I let my emotions ebb and flow, and every. single. moment. I feel so alive.additionally, the content in this book is intended for a mature audience. this book discusses sex explicitly and often. please do not read if you are not mature enough to digest the sexual content (notice how I didn’t write an age, if you are a full-grown adult who is embarrassed by sexual content, please put this book down and do some introspection). your lungs couldn’t take in enough air, and your eyes grew raw from the tears. this is for the strongest person I know, even when she did not see her strength. this is for the girl who never gave up on herself. the girl who never gave up on me. this is for her. this is for me. this is for us.