As soon as you start setting boundaries and build that self-esteem, you realize that a lot of people in your life don't treat you the way you deserve,” Elman said. It’s free therapy!! Michelle Elman is roasting me and patting me on the head at the same time and I love her for it. Aspects really resonated with me. I have constant urning to feel liked so have often done or said things I didn’t really want to do to please others to the detrimental effect on myself but on the flip side there were elements I found myself cringing at or shaking my head as it just felt too “dramatic” for me. BUT that’s the point isn’t it? What is too much for me might not be for others which is why boundaries are there.

In our society, people equate being ‘selfish’ with being arrogant or unhelpful. But, as a reformed people-pleaser, I realised a while ago that putting others’ needs above my own all of the time left me with very little energy to take care of myself. For me, learning to be more ‘selfish’ was about understanding I didn’t have to be a martyr to be a good partner, colleague or friend. Selfishness is about seeing the intrinsic value of your worth and your time, and about creating healthy boundaries to preserve that. It’s the practical side of ‘self-care’ - a concept we’re all far more comfortable with.” Beware the myths about boundaries What’s up with the title, The Joy of Being Selfish? Well…sometimes you need to just say no. For your own mental health. If you never get any me time because you are constantly fulfilling the needs of others, this is a book you MUST read. Think of it as vocalizing what you want, asking for what you need and being very clear and honest about your boundaries. Many people — especially women — feel guilty about being direct or saying “no,” but they need to stop thinking they’re hurting others by doing so.I really didn’t love this book, although admittedly I am probably not it’s key audience as I have actively been practicing boundary setting for a number of years. Michelle explains easily that by setting boundaries, we get our needs met first, without help from others, and once this has occurred we are ready to face challenges independently. We are free to reach out to others, secure in the knowledge that our safety barriers are set. If you aren’t aware of the feelings that exist inside yourself, then it’s harder to set boundaries. The biggest signs your boundaries are being crossed are anger and resentment. If you don’t know what that feels like in your body, then you won’t know how to rectify it.’ Believe you have a right to being treated better Learning when to say “no” makes your “yes” more powerful — people no longer take your presence or agreement for granted. Be prepared to accept the consequences of your boundaries (but discourtesy shouldn’t be one of them)

has been challenging in so many ways but one opportunity has arisen out of all the chaos, grief and misery. It has given us time to pause and prioritise ourselves more. It has given us the chance to be more selfish. Selfish is often seen as a negative word but 2020 has been the year that has turned boundaries from an extra perk that only the most self-aware benefit from to an essential life skill that we must all have to survive.The part of the book I enjoyed the most was where the author listed simple replies to comments clearly meant to manipulate, guilt-trip or otherwise derail attempts at boundary-setting. I've copied down a couple for future use. I would say I look forward to giving them a whirl, but that would be equal to saying I look forward to someone crossing my boundaries. How fun would it be to be single without questioning your loveability, to date without taking rejection personally, and to have sex without hating your body? Dominic Cummings' face is a picture as names he called ministers are read out Build a relationship with your body If you're constantly feeling angry, if you're constantly feeling resentful, those are warning signs that your boundaries are constantly being crossed and not being reinforced,” she noted. Rethink the definition of ‘selfish’ Is your friendship group constantly filled with drama? * Does your boss make constant unreasonable demands? * Do you find yourself saying 'yes' to people and events to keep those around you happy? * Do you often find yourself emotionally exhausted and physically drained?