As Bates shows, moreover, sexism and anti-immigrant rhetoric often go hand in hand, via the conspiracy theory that foreigners challenge the rightful supremacy of the white male. If the misogynist feels his partner is betraying him for the sake of the children, he may begin to attack her adequacy as a mother. Because children cannot conceive that their all-powerful godlike parents can do anything wrong, they believe what their parents say. I’ve long denounced assorted 70s and 80s musicians for their lyrical depictions of sexual violence, their reductive attitude to women and their offstage penchant for teenage girls.

So, despite our heroic promises to do things differently, we often end up duplicating our childhood situations and relationships.Forward often slips into victim-blaming language, referring to women having ‘allowed themselves’ (or their children) to be used, abused and controlled which good domestic violence/abuse awareness or support programmes now acknowledge is inaccurate, inappropriate and unhelpful. However, when a woman stands by or looks the other way when her children are being brutalized, she becomes a silent partner in the abusive behavior. What makes a woman vulnerable to mistreatment at home, no matter how well she functions outside, is the belief that her need for her partner's love is the most important thing in her life.

Her self-confidence and self-esteem can be so damaged as to bring about significant changes in the way she feels about herself and how she relates to the rest of the world.It is tempting to dismiss the sites of the manosphere as mere sad little cesspools, but what Bates’s patient, thorough approach reveals is much worse.

She has also served widely as a group therapist, instructor, and consultant in many southern California medical and psychiatric facilities, and she formed the first private sexual abuse treatment center in California. She views the swings from despair to joy, from love to hate, from abuse to intense lovemaking as proof of love. She’s 10 years old and, because of me, she adores Rock’n’Roll Train, in which singer Brian Johnson sings: “Take it to the spot/You know she’ll make it really hot. It’s the fact that their songs are packed with precision and power, as catchy as the finest throwaway pop music.It may appear that her partner is so in love with her that he doesn't want to share her with anyone else. When Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed for the Supreme Court despite allegations of sexual assault, Donald Trump said he supported “men and justice”, a clear dogwhistle to the misogynist demographic that believe they are victims of a vast feminist conspiracy. The more we understand what shaped us as individuals, the more tools we have to free ourselves from behaviors that no longer work for us. It was disappointing, but I told myself that a lot of men have trouble like that with someone new and it didn’t mean anything.