Cheaters are portrayed in popular culture "as tortured protagonists, sexy taboo breakers compelled by forces greater than themselves to love the forbidden other. The chump is the co-conspirator who Must Have Known and had some tacit arrangement with the cheater.

They’re already re-writing the narrative to justify their actions and make them look better to themselves and others. In fact, sometimes the best thing we can do for a client who is trying to save their marriage is to encourage them NOT to. Unfortunately there is excessive black and white reasoning in the book and waaaay too much bitterness. The unfaithful spouse had a multitude of other choices they could have made, but understanding the various influences at play in a person’s life is necessary for healing, whether or not the marriage survives.In the two years since reading the original version, I have finished my master’s degree, started and finished a human resources certificate, transferred to a position that is closer to home and far less stressful, improved my credit, traded in my 2001 beater car with 176K miles on it for a new 2016 Toyota Corolla without any cosigning or financial help from anyone, participated in a theology seminar wherein someone actually paid me to fly out to California and do theology for two weeks (it was amazing), lined up a peer-reviewed article to publish, and had a septorhinoplasty that fixed my crooked nose along with my breathing. I don’t believe people cheat because they’re broken, or they have family of origin issues, or because of the staggering powers of Facebook crushes. A good counselor will move these partners into individual counseling or, in some cases, Discernment Counseling, until the cheater is moved to genuine remorse with a desire to take responsibility for the changes they are required to make. It's great to read a perspective that doesn't have the therapeutic whitewash that is peddled that suggests affairs happen because of 'unmet needs'.

But the person needs to know that this comes from a very strong perspective and some people may not be ready for the black and white-ness of it. Cheating takes time and resources away from the marriage—so, just by virtue of being there and not screwing around, chumps are usually the more invested partners. From the author: “I tend to divide cheaters into two camps: those who attempt remorse and those who step over your crumpled, sobbing body and go fix themselves a Hot Pocket. Chumps direct a lot of energy at trying to figure out cheaters and even more energy at blaming themselves, both of which are pointless. And this audiobook is a relentless voice in your ear of tough love for guiding you to making it out alive - and well.To be with that person would be squelching a fundamental part of yourself—the person who demands reciprocity, honesty, and fidelity in marriage. It has totally changed my perspective on what I should expect in life, love and how I am treated, and while that is quite difficult to get my mind round right now I am so thankful I read this book. By completing your purchase, you agree to Audible's Conditions of Use and authorise Audible to charge your designated card or any other card on file. that hate ends up being enlarged beyond its initial bounds because the core elements she uses are stereotyping and generalization. Jennifer, one of the other counselors here, did read many of them on the other site and said the anger continued to fuel more anger and that attacks were directed at what others claimed about my views rather than the actual message of this site.

But Tracy Schorn (aka Chump Lady) lampoons such blameshifting and puts the focus squarely on the cheated-upon (chumps) and their needs. There so much I love about this book, but I would not recommend it to someone who has just found out about their spouse’s affair any more than I would recommend a “You Must Save Your Marriage” book. Somehow they convince themselves that they can cheat and it is important for the wayward spouse to remember that it is this 'convincing' that causes them to cheat not something the betrayed spouse ever did. Cheating is a horrible choice and very hurtful but a lot of the time cheating is a symptom of a larger issue. No motive justifies betrayal, but it’s not accurate to say that every cheater is driven by the same reason.When you ask us to parse and seek to "understand" cheaters you are in effect asking to look at the marriage and see where the non-cheating spouse can be blamed. this is because betrayed people who have had their personal dignity violated are very susceptible to hate contagion. Please I think I'm looking for a little bit conformation on what I need to do and that is get the heck away from this loser.