The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control

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The author draws on a lot of stories, all with female clients, so the language sometimes feels less inclusive than it could have been, although the author does make the point in a footnote that this is for brevity and convenience, so I think if cis male or other trans spec readers went into the book with this mindset they would gain just as much. I respect that the author took the approach of staying in her lane and recommended other texts where appropriate. A valuable, much-needed perspective that gives you permission to be more in a world that’s telling you to be less.” You write that investing in this pathologized version of who we are is actually an excuse to avoid healing. Why is this, and how can we shift the focus? Approaching mental health from a let-me-figure-out-what’s-wrong-with-you approach is particularly dangerous. This is especially true for those who are marginalized. I will always love planning and organising - it’s who I am! Reading this made me realise that I do it because I want to and not because everything may fall apart if I don’t! I will work towards going with the flow and not seek to curate each and every experience. As a restored perfectionist I will define success on my own terms ‘understanding that it’s not that you long for some external thing or for yourself to be perfect, it’s that you long to feel whole and to help others feel whole’.

The obvious question is, how do you adapt to perfectionism? We’ll get to that answer– but first, let’s meet the 5 Types of Perfectionists – classic, Parisian, procrastinator, messy, and intense. The Five Types Are you – gasp – an ambitious perfectionist? Have you tried and failed to find that elusive sense of “balance” we’re all meant to seek? If you answered yes to these questions, this is the book you must read. Morgan Schafler has written the definitive guide for anyone who’s ready to walk a crucial pathway: from the appearance of control, to the possession of a quiet power.”

While the book has a focus on women, it applies to anyone that knows they have perfectionist tendencies but aren’t entirely sure what that exactly means, why it happens, have always been led to believe it was a bad thing and would benefit from strategies to maximize the gifts that lie within perfectionism.

You can find physical support by connecting with yourself and others through movement and exercise. Biking, Tai Chi, taking a walk with friends, or joining a sports league are all great options. To restore yourself fully you will eventually need some passive relaxation, too – but that doesn’t have to be sunbathing with your eyes closed or taking a nap. Reading something simple, watching light movies, or taking your time eating a meal can all work as passive relaxation for the perfectionist. Conclusion The third part of the book offers a new perspective on how to embrace and enjoy perfectionism, rather than trying to get rid of it or hide it. The author encourages readers to make the single greatest trade they will ever make in their life, which is to exchange superficial control for real power. She explains how to cultivate a growth mindset, a sense of purpose, a gratitude attitude, and a playful spirit. She also invites readers to dare to want more without feeling greedy or ungrateful, and to celebrate their achievements without feeling guilty or arrogant. There’s wholeness inside of you; there’s perfection, completeness, and there’s freedom. There’s a place where your mistakes can’t touch who you are and where the past simply does not matter. That indestructible part of you in a den deep inside, what some people might call God, there’s nothing you can do to break that apart. If you can connect to that place inside of yourself, you will connect to your power. When you’re in touch with your power, you don’t need control.

Getting out of the cycle of self-punishment and shame can be difficult for perfectionists. The path is winding, and there will be missteps, which are not forgiven easily by perfectionists. However, by showing yourself compassion and connecting with others, the cycle can be broken. You can make peace with your perfectionism and make it work for you.

The obvious question is, how do you adapt to perfectionism? We’ll get to that answer– but first, let’s meet the 5 Types of Perfectionists – classic, Parisian, procrastinator, messy, and intense. When left unchallenged, the perfectionist mindset hooks itself on the motive to perfect (as opposed to improve upon or accept) that which could be made better. This impulse to enhance evolves into a belief that urgently wallpapers itself on all sides of the perfectionist's mind, including the ceiling and floor: "I need something to be different about this moment before I can be satisfied." as a parisian messy/procrastinator perfectionist, this book was extremely helpful to me. i have often thought myself a "perfectionist" in some parts of my life, but not always in the classic sense. (i believe i'm a procrastinator toward jobs in general, messy in most other things, and parisian when it comes to the most important things) Instead, you will be told perfectionism is power. You will learn about the different shapes that power takes, and how to harness it. You will be advised to adapt to your perfectionism so it doesn’t mutate into a monster. You will exchange seeking the superficial control that comes with misunderstood and mistreated perfectionism for the life-changing force that is adaptive perfectionism.

This book is a good starting point for a discussion about perfectionism and some societal issues surrounding women's mental health. Plus, the beginning half of the book is excellent. I recommend a read-through for anyone who has ever been called a perfectionist (because, let's be honest, a lot of perfectionists don't consider themselves to be). There are so many quotes that I wish I had the audacity to highlight (me? Mark up a book? Unheard of.). You pose this question to many of your clients: “What if there’s nothing wrong with you?” Can you talk a little about why answering this question can be so helpful? Mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness; that’s the trifecta that makes up a self-compassionate response. We don’t have emotional education in schools, so we don’t know what mindfulness really means—or common humanity, for that matter. That doesn’t mean we can’t take it upon ourselves to learn. The more you practice the skill-set of self-compassion, the more your life will change.

Which of the five types of perfectionist are you? Classic, intense, Parisian, messy, or procrastinator? As you identify your unique perfectionist profile, you'll learn how to manage each form of perfectionism to work for you, not against you. Beyond managing it, you'll learn how to embrace and even enjoy your perfectionism. Yes, enjoy! The reason we don’t recognize the dysfunctional nature of punishment is because we live in a culture that broadcasts and actively promotes punishment as the go-to response for unwanted behavior. In this retributive rather than restorative culture, it makes sense that you’ve internalized punishment as your first line of defense against the qualities you don’t like seeing in yourself. What doesn’t make sense is for you to continue using punishment as an agent for positive change.

I truly can't recommend this book highly enough. Written by a psychotherapist, The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control reframes perfectionism as something much more insidious than quirky, providing a deep dive into five different subtypes while questioning the elusive concept of 'finding balance' through a gently anti-capitalist/patriarchal lens. Schafler has treated hundreds of perfectionists in her private practice and recognizes that for many, perfectionism is rooted in a childhood of abuse, neglect or conditional love. It’s not as simple as just advising someone to lighten up. “Managing perfectionism by telling perfectionists to stop being perfectionists is like managing anger by telling people to ‘calm down,’” she writes. But the good news, according to Schafler, is that we can make perfectionism a tool in our lives by easing up on self-punishment, which she defines as hurting or denying yourself. We may think we are punishing ourselves to learn or grow, but we are actually just creating more fear and demoralization. Claire entered my office seamlessly, swaying through the door like a red velvet curtain at showtime on opening night; gloriously on cue. As is the case with classic perfectionists, there was something ceremonious about Claire, who at twenty-two had legally changed her name because the original spelling didn't include the e at the end, a detail that irked her intolerably. As she described to me, "From second grade on, every single time I wrote my name, I died a little on the inside. Cumulatively, I'm sure it's taken two years off my life, but it's fixed now."