The 69 best dick jokes: Funny joke book

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Why did the chef ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of seasoned protection! What did the painter say to his brush? “Don’t be silly, wrap your bristles, Willy! We don’t want any paint splatters!” I asked for a photo, but she said I should wait until tomorrow as she’s naked and doesn’t want to get dressed to go to the freezer in the basement this late at night. I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”

For Delaney, joke-writing is less about creating a narrative, and more about playing around with words and language. Why did the construction worker ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in hard hat protection! The Devil had had enough of Jesus being in the spotlight for so long. He challenged Jesus to compose the longest tale on Microsoft Word and win. Jesus agrees, and they begin. What is even worse than waking up after a party and finding a pen*s was drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.What did the gardener say to his rake? “Don’t be silly, wrap your tines, Willy! We don’t want any garden scratches!” People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you from seeing the television properly.” – Victoria Wood

You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.” – Sara Pascoe The next day, another man goes to the beach and sees the same woman crying by the shoreline. He asks her what’s wrong.Who is it?” “It’s Mark” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring Mark?” “Marijuana from Colombia” “Very well son, come in.” Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.” – Peter Kay Why did the baker refuse to follow the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in dough protection! The perfect one-liner is a holy grail for comedians – their chance for immortality. Nobody will memorise your lovingly crafted half hour routine fifty years from now, but we are still quoting those perfect lines from Tommy Cooper, Dorothy Parker or Groucho Marx. Though of course, Groucho – one of the all-time masters of this art-form – would refuse to join any one-liner club that’d have him as a member… Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"

Instead, it seems the famous feud has quietened down for a more wholesome message. After being presented with the cheese to the factory, Kevin asks the wholesome question 'can I share my good fortune with everyone?'. The ad concludes with the charming closing message 'Seasonal goodwill was truly in the air as Christmas is a time that's sweeter when you share'.Jimmy Carr–“A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”