He's Just Not That Into You: Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

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Greg, I Get It! by Leslie, Age 29 Greg! I get it. I went to this party and I met this guy. We started talking immediately by ourselves, off in a corner. He asked if I was single and seemed pleased when I said I was. Whenever we split up to talk to other people, or to get drinks or whatever, he always kept his eye on me. It was really cool. I was all excited and fluttery with that “Oh my God, I think I just met someone!” feeling. He didn’t ask for my number, but we know lots of people in common, so I thought he was just playing it cool. He never called me! And you know what? Normally I would call our mutual friends and start fishing and trying to figure out what happened and maybe try to find another way to see him again. But instead, I’m just going to move on! Who cares what his deal is. He’s not asking me out, so why should I start obsessing over him? I’m just going to go out tonight and try to meet someone else. This book is dedicated to all the lovely ladies out there whose stories inspired us to write this book. May we never need to write another one. He’s Just Not That Into You - If He Only Wants to See You When He’s Drunk If He Likes You, He’ll Want to See You When His Judgment isn’t Impaired It’s really fun to drink and date. Who doesn’t like to bring booze to the make-out party? It can make you more confident, and let’s face it, confidence is a rush and you are more likely to talk dirty. It’s all good, as long as you don’t confuse ice-breaking for real intimacy. Being drunk or high are altered states that can actually take you away from real feelings. Be aware that if Boozy the Clown has to slip on the red nose every time it gets intimate, it could be symptomatic of a bigger problem.

He’s married. Unless he’s all yours, he’s still hers. There are cool, loving single men in the world. Find one of them to go out with. If a guy is yelling about his ex-wife or crying over his last girlfriend, try to find someone else to take you to the movies. He’s married. Don’t be that girl. You are not easily forgotten. Let him find you when he’s ready.This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz I know a successful businessman who used to get stoned every single night, and sometimes in the morning too. He dated women who didn’t like it, and he would try to cut down while he was dating them. One day he met the women of his dreams and she would have none of it. He stopped cold turkey and now spends his days completely sober and very happy with it. He’s Just Not That Into You - If He’s Having Sex with Someone Else There’s Never Going to Be a Good Excuse for Cheating If he cheats on you, throw the deadbeat out. Just kidding. I know things aren’t that simple. This is a very complicated subject, I’ll admit. Some will argue, “It’s just sex, what does it matter?” Some will argue that you shouldn’t throw away a meaningful relationship just because of one indiscretion. This all may be true. But this is what I know: Whatever problems you may have been having in your relationship, they didn’t merit him having sex with someone else. Don’t ask what you did wrong. Don’t share the blame. And in case he tells you that it just “happened,” please remember, cheating doesn’t just “happen.” It’s not an accident as in, “Oops, I just slipped and fell into a sexual relationship with someone else.” It was planned and executed with the full knowledge that it could end your relationship. Know this: If he’s sleeping with someone else without your knowledge or encouragement, he is not only behaving like a man who’s just not that into you, he’s behaving like a man who doesn’t even like you all that much. The “But I’ve Gotten Fat” Excuse Dear Greg, I had been dating a guy for about two years, and I thought things were going really well. After he came home from a family visit, he told me he slept with someone he met at a bar. I was devastated and asked him why he did it. He told me I had put on some weight and therefore he wasn’t that attracted to me anymore. I’m confused. He’s right. I have put on about twenty pounds. Should I break up with him or start going to the gym? Beth - 19 -

Standard Suggestions I will not go out with a man who hasn’t asked me out first. I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone. I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me. I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable. I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable. I will not be with a man who’s afraid to talk about our future. I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me. I will not date a man who is married. I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person. Now it’s your turn. Only you know the standards you haven’t set for yourself. Write them down. Don’t forget them. MY SUPER-HELPFUL STANDARDS THAT I WILL NEVER EVER FORGET OR FORSAKE NO MATTER HOW HOT I THINK HE IS: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Reset Your Standards Sure, you say, “But I have standards.” Well, your standards led you to this book, so let’s raise them. Let’s set a dignified bar for you to exist at. Let’s put you in charge with how it’s going to go next time. (But you ask, “What if there isn’t going to be a next time?” And we say, “Stow that bad-news cargo on the sure-to-sink ship. Because that ship is about to hit Sad Island and we don’t want you on it.”) A standard is setting a level for yourself of what you will or won’t tolerate. You get to decide how it’s going to be for you. You can now design the person you want to be in the future, and the standards you want to have. Write your new standards down so you’ll never ever forget them, no matter how cute he is or how long it’s been since you’ve had sex. (Okay, we admit it, some of our workbook things were a little silly, but this one we mean.) Make sure you know what you stand for and what you believe in. And because we obviously think we know better than you (we got a book deal, didn’t we?), we’re going to give you some standard suggestions. - 42 - You Are All Dating the Same Guy Hey. I know that guy you’re dating. Yeah, I do. He’s that guy that’s so tired from work, so stressed about the project he’s working on. He’s just been through an awful breakup and it’s really hitting him hard. His parents’ divorce has scarred him and he has trust issues. Right now he has to focus on his career. He can’t get involved with anyone until he knows what his life is about. He just got a new apartment and the move is a bitch. As soon as it all calms down he’ll leave his wife, girlfriend, crappy job. God, he’s so complicated. He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life. Are there men who are too busy or have been through something so horrible that makes it hard for them to get involved? Yes, but there are so few of them that they should be considered urban legends. For as already suggested, a man would rather be trampled by elephants that are on fire than tell you that he’s just not that into you. That’s why we’ve written this book. We wanted to get the excuses out of the closet, so to speak, so they can be seen for exactly what they are: really bad excuses. Hey—do you remember that movie when the girl waited around for the guy to ask her out, then made excuses when he didn’t? Then she slept with him when they were both drunk, and basically just hung around until they were kind of dating? Then he cheated on her, but because she knew deep down inside that if she forgave him and kept her expectations low and was really agreeable that she’d get him in the end? He was drunk at the wedding but they lived miserably ever after in an unsatisfying relationship that was built on a shitty foundation? You don’t? That’s because those movies don’t get made, because that’s not what love is like. People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love. Big movies are made about it, and every relationship you admire bursts with a greatness that you hope for in your own life. And the more you value yourself, the more chance you’ll have of getting it. So read these excuses, have a laugh, and then…put them all to rest. You’re worth it.Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook Please write down how long it took you to start thinking that you might want to marry the guy you’re dating. Write down how long it took you to know for sure. Look and see if these seemed like a reasonably appropriate amount of time. Then tell yourself that he has no good excuse for not having figured that out by now too. Here’s Why This One is Hard, by Liz A lot of people think marriage is bullshit. A lot of women, men, philosophers, anthropologists, psychologists, feminists, and scientists all think, for different reasons, that marriage is a deeply flawed, outdated institution built for failure. Toss a quarter anywhere and it will hit someone who’ll be happy to tell you something bad about marriage. So there’s all that. But is that what we’re really talking about here? I don’t think so. I think that sometimes men want you to think that’s what the debate is about. But let’s be clear. The question at hand is only this: Is he making lame transparent excuses about marriage to cover for the fact that he really doesn’t ever see a future with you? - 26 - If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. - 12 - IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG 100% of guys polled said “a fear of intimacy” has never stopped them from getting into a relationship. One guy even remarked, “Fear of intimacy is an urban myth.” Another guy said, “That’s just what we say to girls when we’re just not that into them.” It’s So Simple Learn it, live it, like it, love it: If a man likes you, he’s going to want to have sex with you. Sure, things may slow down in a long-term relationship, but even then, it’s a joy, a gift, and your right to have a fantastic sex life.

I don’t. I just don’t see the point in being in a relationship that appears to be damaging and beneath you. You are a really cool, obviously very cute…” “You don’t know me!” she practically shouted, cutting me off mid-sentence. “How do you know I can do better? You’ve only just met me. And why do you care anyway?” Wow! She had me dead to rights. I was stunned for a moment but then I remembered why I’m doing this, and I said to her what I would say to you now. “I don’t need to know you to know that at the very least you ought to think that way about yourself.” And why do I care? Or better yet, who am I to be giving advice to others? I am a formerly single guy who gave those same lame excuses, so I know what these guys are really doing. When I met my wife, Amiira, I became a different guy, a man who showed up, suited up, and was glad to do so, because I believe in love the verb, not the noun. I believe in letting the woman I love know I love her all the time with my actions. Why do I care about you? Because I have a sister and many women friends whom I love dearly, despite their unwillingness to hear the clanging bells of a crappy relationship. Because I have a wonderful sister and so many amazing women friends who still don’t have the confidence to believe that they deserve better and will only find someone better after they unload the dead weight of an inadequate suitor. Because I have an incredible sister and so many brilliant women friends who don’t yet truly accept that profound love is uplifting, joyous, inspiring, and intoxicating, and that they should never settle for anything less. Shitty relationships make you feel shitty, and that’s not what you were put on this earth for. It’s all fun and games to have some insight and a witty reply to your letters, but at the core the “He’s just not that into you” concept can truly have a magical transcendent effect. It’s not bad news if it helps you free yourself from a relationship that is beneath you. And we both know that only you can free yourself. I don’t pretend to know how to fix you. I do know how to help you recognize the problem. I do know that you are worthy of having great relationships and an even better life. I do think you are beautiful and somewhere deep down inside you know it too, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. I believ Dear Pretty Girl who bought this book (that’s you), I have been dating this guy for a couple of months. However, I’ve never actually been on an official date with him. He always tells me to meet him somewhere, like a bar or a friend’s house. He doesn’t seem like he wants to spend time alone with me unless we’re having sex. I like having sex with him—so can’t I keep doing that until he gets to know me better and realizes he’s really into me? Answer: If you’ve answered this successfully (which means you’ve told this lovely lady to get rid of Booty Call the Barfly and go find herself a man that can at least spring for a slice of pizza), then you know your brain knows how to solve these problems; you have this information inside of you, and probably always have. It’s just a lot easier to see it when it’s not you. And now that you’ve been reminded, you can use your rediscovered wisdom for your own benefit. This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz When I was working with Greg on this book in New York, I noticed that Greg would often call his wife just to tell her that he couldn’t really talk to her right then, but he was thinking of her and would call later. It didn’t look like the most difficult thing in the world, but it sure seemed nice. Before He’s Just Not That Into You was a corny movie with star-studded actors and actresses, it was a corny book that I am apparently unashamed to tell the world I own. No matter how much this book can be critiqued – and it can and has been, mercilessly – I still think some of it is just flat-out honest reality. And yes, maybe that reality is subjective, culturally and generationally specific, and all the rest. But I did read the book again recently, which is five years from when I initially bought it, and ten years from its original publishing date. So in honor of ten years of the book being if not culturally relevant, at least rhetorically influential, I thought I’d review the given advice: 1. “He’s just not that into you If he’s not asking you out.”This is where I have to put my practicing Catholic hat on and say, “This is definitely not always true.” Especially if the person has religious, moral, and other reasons for which they don’t want to have sex with you (until a certain time). Moreover, people’s attitudes to sex differs greatly and like it or not, the way people view sex can be a deal-breaker. But in my observation of secular society, sometimes it’s the people who want to wait, that are actually really into you. So again, this piece of advice depends heavily on the values and perspectives of the individuals involved. 5. “He’s just not that into you If he’s having sex with someone else.” The “But We Really Are Dating” Excuse Dear Greg, I’ve been dating a guy for three months. We spend four or five nights a week together. We go to events together. He calls me when he says he’s going to and never flakes out on me. We’re having a great time. He recently informed me that he doesn’t want to be anyone’s boyfriend and isn’t ready for a serious relationship. But I know he’s not dating anyone else. I think he’s just scared of the term “boyfriend.” Greg, I’m always hearing that women should listen to men’s actions, not their words. So doesn’t that mean I should just ignore him and be secure in the fact that he wants to spend all this time with me— that no matter what he’s actually saying, the truth is he’s really into me? Keisha Greg, I Get It! by Dorrie, Age 32 I was dating a guy I met on a job. We had to spend a lot of time together and it was really romantic getting to know him and working with him. After the job ended, we’d still get together and go on dates and kiss good night. This went on for two months. He would never take it any farther. But in the meantime I met his family, went to big functions with him, made plans with him. It was like we were seriously dating, but without the sex. I knew he hadn’t been in a relationship for a long time, so I thought he was just taking it slow. But then I realized, Greg, after the third month, that he was getting to feel intimate with me without actually being intimate with me. I got up the nerve to ask him if this was how it was going to continue, and he started blubbering and stammering about relationships and how scary they are and whatever. I got out of there and fast, because I realized, no matter how nice he was to me, and how intimate we were pretending to be, he was just not that into me and I wanted more. Greg, I Get It! by Sandy, Age 33 I was dating this guy for a year and a half. We’d had a few conversations about marriage. One day I realized that all the conversations we’d had about marriage were started by me. “Sure,” he always replied, “you are my soul mate. I’m so passionate about you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, blah, blah, blah.” When I’d asked him flat out, “Do you want to marry me?” he’d say, “Yeah, I would like to.” Then it dawned on me—I had never heard the words “I want to marry you” come out of his mouth. Literally, the day I had this revelation, I dumped him. Needless to say, I’m so much happier now dating guys who in the first week say, “Wow, I can’t believe you’re not married. You’re great.”

Greg, I Get It! by Adele, Age 26 I was dating a guy I really liked who played in a popular local band. After a few weeks of dating he told me that he slept with some girl after one of his gigs. Sadly, a few years ago I probably would have been so into dating a guy in a band that I would have just pretended it had never happened and forgotten he had ever told me about it. This time, I told him that it was cool; he’s allowed to do whatever he wants. He just won’t be seeing me ever again. It felt great! It’s So Simple Imagine right now that I’m leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I’m on my knees pleading with you. I’m saying this in a loud voice: “Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you’d like us to be.” I know it’s an infuriating concept—that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It’s insulting. It’s frustrating. It’s unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he’s just not that into you. (And we want you to believe you’re one of the nine, ladies!) I can’t say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out. This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it. Imagine what this woman would have done with a boyfriend who cheated on her? P.S.: One could say she cleared the path for the next guy, who didn’t blow it and is now married to her and treats her like a queen. The “Things Are Really Tight Right Now” Excuse Dear Greg, I have a boyfriend who I’ve been living with for three years. I’m about to turn thirty-nine, and I have started bringing up the idea of long-term plans, like, say, marriage. He always seems open to it, but then talks about how bad his finances are. He’s an investment banker who works for himself, and he lost a lot of money in the past two years, a lot of clients, as well, and his business really has gone down the tubes. He says he’s under a lot of pressure. Am I being unreasonable to want to know where this is all going? Please let me know. BarbaraGreg, I Get It! by Nessa, Age 38 I started dating a guy I really liked. We met at a party when we were drunk, and we hooked up a little. Then we were dating, and I was so nervous around him (because I liked him so much) that I drank more than I normally did. He likes to drink too, so I was also just trying to keep up with him. Finally I realized that we were getting drunk at some point every time we saw each other. Normally I would just stay quiet and see how it all turned out, but this time I got up the nerve to say something. He listened to me and agreed to have a “sober” date. It was awkward at first, but then awesome. I’m so glad I had the courage to speak up! Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook It’s very easy for us to give advice, and quite honestly, it’s kind of fun. We’ve even learned a little about ourselves in the process. (Well, at least Liz has.) Why don’t you give it a try? It’s fun to feel you know better than other people! - 15 - IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG 100% of guys polled said they have never accidentally slept with anyone. (But many of them wanted to know how this accident could occur, and how they can get involved in such an accident.) He’s Just Not That Into You - If He’s Not Dating You “Hanging Out” is Not Dating Oh, there seem to be so many variations to dating, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. So many gray, murky areas of vagueness, mystery, and no questions asked. Dudes love this time because that’s when they get to pretend they’re not really dating you. Then they also get to pretend they’re not really responsible for your feelings. When you ask someone out on a real bonafide date, you’re making it official: I’d like to see you alone to find out if we have a romantic future together (or at least pretend to listen to you while I ponder whether you’re wearing a thong). In case you need more clues: There’s usually a public excursion, a meal, and some hand-holding involved. Table of Contents Introduction by Liz ............................................................................................................................................................................................ 4 Introduction by Greg ......................................................................................................................................................................................... 4 You Are All Dating the Same Guy.................................................................................................................................................................... 5 1. He’s Just Not That Into You - If He’s Not Asking You Out ..................................................................................................................... 6 2. He’s Just Not That Into You - If He’s Not Calling You .......................................................................................................................... 10 3. He’s Just Not That Into You - If He’s Not Dating You ........................................................................................................................... 13 4. He’s Just Not That Into You - If He’s Not Having Sex with You .......................................................................................................... 16 5. He’s Just Not That Into You - If He’s Having Sex with Someone Else................................................................................................ 19 6 .He’s Just Not That Into You - If He Only Wants to See You When He’s Drunk ................................................................................. 22 7. He’s Just Not That Into You - If He Doesn’t Want to Marry You......................................................................................................... 24 8. He’s Just Not That Into You - If He’s Breaking Up with You ............................................................................................................... 28 9. He’s Just Not That Into You - If He’s Disappeared on You .................................................................................................................. 31 10. He’s Just Not That Into You - If He’s Married (and Other Insane Variations of Being Unavailable) ........................................... 34 11. He’s Just Not That Into You - If He’s a Selfish Jerk, a Bully, or a Really Big Freak...................................................................... 37 12. Don’t Listen to These Stories.................................................................................................................................................................. 42 13. Now What Do You Do? .............................................................................................................................................................................. 42 14. Q&A with Greg........................................................................................................................................................................................... 43 15. Closing Remarks from Greg ..................................................................................................................................................................... 44 16. Closing Remarks from Liz ........................................................................................................................................................................ 45 About the Authors............................................................................................................................................................................................ 46