The Madness of Grief: A Memoir of Love and Loss

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Does being a vicar make it any easier to handle death? “Christianity doesn’t get you out of death,” says Coles. “It just says there’s something beyond it. But it doesn’t get you out of loss or grief, or bereavement. It doesn’t spare you any of that. On the contrary, I think it probably intensifies it.” I admit to a smidge of disappointment with the ending. I felt it was cliché and trite. In fact, it could have done just splendidly without the final section altogether. But what do I know? I'm just a simple illiterate peasant who likes to read and muse on the human condition. Those who can, do. Those who can't, criticize. Guess which one I do. Captures brilliantly, beautifully, bravely the comedy as well as the tragedy of bereavement' The Times Bold, intimate writing . . . THE MADNESS OF GRIEF is not a manual for the bereaved, but as a vivid account of how it feels when the world suddenly falls away, it performs another kind of service— THE SUNDAY TIMES The Madness of Grief covers the period of David's death from the evening when he first became ill to just after the funeral. A few short weeks over the festive period that David loved so much. How does one carry on when the one you love so much has died? What would they have liked at their funeral? What do you do with all their stuff? These are all questions Coles faced following David's death and with the help of friends and family he strode on.

Completely relatable to anyone who is grieving which I found really comforting. Puts beautifully into words what so many cannot voice or explain In this memoir, Coles shares his truth, stays kind, and, when possible, brings a smile . . . By reflecting the hurts of others' losses with such beauty and integrity, he confirms that it is his open humanity that is priestly. It gives me yet another reason to admire him— CHURCH TIMES

Jane learns to find her truth within her family’s history of lies and deception and the breakup of her first love. After reading the first chapters I was rooting for Jane and certainly proud of her for the woman she becomes despite the traumas and heartbreaking obstacles she had to endure. Is it his biggest regret? “It was not my finest hour,” he says, “and it was tough asking people for forgiveness for having done it, but they did, actually. Of course I regret it.” I have very recently had an unexpected and sudden death in the family. My head has not been in a great place, and I found I could not concentrate on anything to read. I reached for this because I wanted a shared experience with someone who would understand, and this book was either going to make or break me.

Again, I feel spoiled, having read such a wonderful piece of art. As I read the book, the words seemed to melt into my mind and put me in the place as Jane. The author somehow can put himself in the place of Jane, as well... even as a 16 year old girl. He can, seemingly magically, grasp the most inward feelings of all the characters and lead you through a maze of grief, surprise, unrest, fright, and happiness. However, what really kept me reading was the way that the characters responded to everything that life threw at them. I was drawn in by their humanness. Their rawness. For one thing, David's death at the early age of forty-three was unexpected. The man that so often assists others to examine life's moral questions now found himself in need of help. He began to look to others for guidance to steer him through his grief. Jane has a bff, a young man, Karl, a classical pianist, who has a German mother who is a Reichian therapist, and a father who left them long ago for another woman.If you have read enough Cacoyannis, you will already suspect that all is not as it seems, and that there are secrets that have other secrets, and that the book is actually an onion. You know, layers, and layers, and every time you peel off a layer, your eyes tear up. Although it’s a title he has often spurned, Coles is Britain’s de facto celebrity vicar, a result of his pop-stardom with the Communards in the mid-80s – which included the No 1 dance smash Don’t Leave Me This Way, and his position as one of the most high-profile gay clergymen in the world. His warmth and ability to distil the most complicated ideas have drawn fans from the unlikeliest of places (he was once described as the “atheist’s favourite vicar”). A memoir of love and loss, The Madness of Grief is one clergyman's account of losing his partner of 12 years and coping withthe tragedy of bereavementafter his death.

Coles, 57, was born in Kettering, not far from his present parish. He was always, as he writes in his 2014 memoir, Fathomless Riches, “screamingly gay”. Not being able to pass as straight never bothered him. “If you come from somewhere like Kettering, you feel a moral responsibility to fly the flag of flamboyance,” he says. He lived with his partner David, who was also an ordained priest, until the latter’s death in December 2019. This book covers that short period of time between when it became obvious David was dying to his funeral in January 2020, with brief allusions to the following months. Whether it is pastoral care for the bereaved, discussions about the afterlife, or being called out to perform the last rites, death is part of the Reverend Richard Coles's life and work. But when his partner the Reverend David Coles died, much about death took Coles by surprise. That said, there are a number of very amusing anecdotes and his writing style is warm and friendly.Coles laments the fact that he couldn’t marry David. The Church of England forbids same-sex marriage and doing so could have led to both men losing their bishop’s licence, which allowed them to work as priests – they planned to wait until they had retired. I've had to subtract David from the future. What am I going to do? Play the accordion and go to bed at 10 past six? Coles at the vicarage where he lives with his dachshunds Daisy and Pongo. Photograph: Fabio De Paola/The Guardian

This is the second book I read of Panayotis Cacoyannis and I must declare myself her fan. In the first instance, I really like the imperfect construction of its characters that reveal a deep humanity in each of them. In this case, the protagonist, despite being a girl of sixteen, reveals an impressive maturity that feels very true and that makes us witnesses of her passage to the sexual maturity as she tells us the life and the personalities that conform her immediate social circle and how the death of her mother, an event of the past, influences them.The book is a story of loss, but also a captivating tale of a romance – it has to be, because without understanding the depth of love we can’t fathom the clawing darkness of losing it. That symbiosis, that paradox, is the foundation of an intimate partnership, and one part of it can’t be had without the other. The importance of language is something Coles knows so well, and he says it always surprises him that in a society that prides itself on being so open-minded and liberated, so prepared to discuss anything and everything, we use euphemisms like “passed away” when it comes to death. “It’s a fate we all share, but we’re uneasy to share it. Aristocrats and Irish Roman Catholics handle death the best, the English middle class not so well. The language intimidates us, as though using it will put us in danger, and makes death more real.” Also set in modern-day London, Bowl of Fruit tells the story of a man with a fantastical talent, and of his epic, twenty-four hour journey with a beautiful ghost-writer who knows more about his past than he does. IndieReader named Bowl of Fruit one of its "Best Indie Books of 2015", calling it "a magically original story" and "an incredible read". It was like tectonic plates were crashing all around me”, he says, while eating a chocolate digestive. (“Dark of course, why anybody would take milk chocolate when dark is available is beyond me.”) Beautifully written, moving and gut-wrenching, but also at times very funny, each smile and laugh a candle in the dark— IAN RANKIN