Every Family Has A Story: How we inherit love and loss

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Kate: When you write. We only fix what we face. It makes me think you are a a source of deep courage, who for especially for those of us although these many of us. Who are not exactly sure how to find a richer story that includes our family to help ease the burden of whatever going through. So thank you, Julia. You are you are a source of tremendous wisdom to me. And I am so glad that I met you. Kate: Yes. Yeah. It is, I remember hearing once, I think it was in like a history of childhood that one of the beautiful, surprising, I think spiritually useful but also evolutionarily useful things about childhood being the sort of generational reset button is that they begin to ask questions that we get told to no longer ask. And their curiosity kind of. And break through some of that calcified generational differences between us. Because thinking about the incredible, immense, devastating suffering of my grandparents would, war, tuberculosis, sanatoriums, foster care for my father. I mean, just devastation. And yet there when they narrate it, it was so. It was very tidy. Relationships fundamentally influence our health and happiness -- and family is the only relationship that we cannot leave, however much we might like to. But we think too narrowly about the impact of our families on our lives. History, to paraphrase author and activist James Baldwin, lives within us. We are vessels for narratives derived from our collective culture, ancestors and lived experiences. And that's why it's so important to capture them. Learning the stories of those closest to us not only enables us to better understand the trajectory of their lives but also helps us make sense of our own.

Kim Hawley's family at her baptism in 1990. Before you start documenting, think about what you want to accomplish — what period of time or story do you want to learn about — and who you want to tell the story? The eight families have been carefully chosen. They are diverse in ethnicity, sexuality, economic circumstances and in the issues they raise: divorce, bereavement, same-sex marriage and adoption, addiction, empty nest syndrome. The effect is at times almost too schematic (was her publisher calling the shots?), but the Samuel magic continues to obtain. She shows that there is no family tree without its gnarled complexity. Families are “messy, chaotic and imperfect. Where we love and care most, we also hurt most…” She reminds us: “One of the snares of family is it is the only relationship we cannot leave, however much we might like to.” Exploring the relationships that both touch us most and hurt us most, including the often under-appreciated impact of grandparents and siblings, and incorporating the latest academic research, she offers wisdom that is applicable to us all. Her twelve touchstones for family well-being -- from fighting productively to making time for rituals -- provide us with the tools to improve our relationships, and to create the families we wish for. I believe this book will be particularly valuable to other therapists. The author does an excellent job of sharing her own limitations in dealing with conflicts that were unfamiliar to her. She openly discusses her desire to comfort clients in ways that may not be common for other therapists. I also found it awkward when she told clients 'what a wonderful son' he was. Perhaps that would work with some clients but for others, I feel there is a need for authenticity; after all, can any therapist honestly know whether a grown adult has been a 'wonderful son' from a few therapy sessions?

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This is a paradox I often witness: as long as people are unaware of the impact of their past, they often find themselves re- enacting elements of it, rather than making conscious choices that would work better for them.’ From the start, Samuel emphasises that therapy need not be epic: “For someone using time as a barrier to seeking therapy I would suggest (with a smile) it takes less time than watching a TV series.” She reminds the reader, too, of the power of contrition. How long, after all, does it take to say sorry? Archie takes his adult children out separately to apologise for his shortcomings as a father, and each reports on the transformative effect on their relationship with him. Julia: Yeah. So it’s the same thing, but just keep going. Just keep going. Don’t ask for help. Don’t make a fuss. Don’t make me feel bad because your I can’t help you. Just glide past me so that I’m not, you know, demanded of or made to feel uncomfortable. But at the same time, you’re really lonely and chilly out there in that horse. Through eight beautifully told case studies, covering a variety of families across multiple generations, she analyses common issues from losing a parent to children leaving home, and from separation to step-relationships. In doing so she shows how much is, in fact, inherited -- and how much can be healed when it is faced together.

Every Family Has A Story sees bestselling psychotherapist Julia Samuel turn from her work with individuals to sessions with a wide variety of families. Diving deep into eight case studies, with her usual storytelling panache and the latest academic research, she analyses a range of common issues including separation, step-relationships, leaving home, trauma and loss. In doing so, she reveals insightfully how deeply we are influenced by our families -- including the often under-appreciated impact of grandparents and siblings -- and offers universally applicable insights into how families can face challenges together. Her 12 touchstones for family wellbeing -- from fighting productively to making time for rituals, and from setting boundaries to allowing difference -- provide us with the tools to ultimately be better family members ourselves.

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Fascinating. . . . Julia Samuel’s compassionate work never fails to inform, comfort and make me think.” —Pandora Sykes Why do some families thrive in adversity while others fragment? How can families weather difficult transitions together? Why do our families drive us mad? And how can even small changes greatly improve our relationships? Kate mentions a podcast with Tara Westover called “Remaking Home” , which discusses more about childhood trauma and pain. You can also read Tara’s book Educated .