How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7

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Tell your kids how you’re feeling. Examples: “I worry that you’ll get hurt,” “I get upset when kids hit each other,” “I don’t like it when...” (69-71). Try not to blame while saying it; avoid saying “you” and strong words like “furious.” I tried it: “I feel sad when kids don’t finish their food.” FAIL. Kid made excuses. Tried it another time: “I worry that you’ll step in poop when running through the grass on your hands and knees.” Kid replied, “I’m not going to step in poop!” FAIL. Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.” All kids want to connect, all kids want to be understood, all kids want a say in what they do and how they do it.” Put an empty plate in front of your child and let him serve himself, or ask for what he wants if he’s too young to serve himself.” However this book is full of practical ways to make the everyday mundane things for fun for your child, and therefore you. And also has chapters on the little things that seem to be a battle with toddlers. (For example eating, fighting with sibling, getting in car seat when running late.)

We’re leaving the library, I can’t afford to have books thrown on the floor.” What could be more valuable than punishment as the average parent? Freaking artificial punishment for actions don’t work either. Instead of hollering, “Put away your toys, it’s time for dinner!!” Walk into the room where your child is playing, quietly, but firmly tell them it’s almost dinnertime, then join in with your child’s interests for a few minutes. Going to your child conveys you’re serious about your request; otherwise, children interpret this as a mere preference. 11. Give Choices The louder your child yells, the softer you respond. Let your child ventilate while you interject timely comments: “I understand” or “Can I help?” Sometimes just having a caring listener available will wind down the tantrum. If you come in at his level, you have two tantrums to deal with. Be the adult for him. 17. Settle the ListenerOne thing I realized from reading this book is how many commands we issue to our son on a daily basis. As an experiment, I tried not using a single command for a day or two. I slipped up here and there, but overall I found that it really encouraged new, more respectful ways for me to communicate with my son. And what I learned is this: Commands don't work! Make a list to help kids stay on task and not get distracted (190). Draw pictures on the list for those who can’t read. Criticism in the midst of a struggle hurts. To say that you are doing fine when the child is struggling. Motivation comes from progress, that “ B is well written.” Appreciate the positive, and then say what needs to be done instead of criticism. Instead of focusing on the mistakes, focus on what the child has already achieved.

If a colleague has made a grievous error, then give them a chance to be the hero. This is the same for children. Show your child how to make amends. The best chance to get a child to do something better is to give them a chance to redo what they just did. Give them a re-write. This way he or she can see there’s a potential actual to do good. Respect a kid’s struggle and encourage them to try. Doing it for them removes their agency in the world, which is even more frustrating than, say, a stubborn shoelace that won’t stay tied. In this chapter, Joana and Julie discuss alternative methods you can use to show praise or appreciation to your child. They explain everyday methods that you might use when praising your child that may actually be hurting their behavior instead of helping. They recommend these methods instead: If your kid can’t consistently use the potty, give her a diaper vacation (189). Just hope that she volunteers to wear underwear again and doesn’t regress.This book really is a survival guide. I feel like I can now thrive in life with my child, whereas before this book, it was all just a big struggle. We do these things automatically—protect against sad emotions, dismiss what we see as trivial emotions, and discourage angry emotions. We don’t want to reinforce negative feelings.” When other tactics have failed and you are angry at your kids, going for a run can help (361). You can’t take care of others without taking care of yourself first. Meltdown stopped, my daughter just looked at me as if I'd grown a second head, then again happily waited until food was ready. For nearly forty years, parents have turned to How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk for its respectful and effective solutions to the unending challenges of raising children. Now, in response to growing demand, Adele’s daughter, Joanna Faber, along with Julie King, tailor How to Talk ’s powerful communication skills to parents of children ages two to seven.

I agree that punishments are not helpful for children, however the author leaves out discipline entirely. When you get your teeth brushed, then we’ll begin the story.” “When your work is finished, then you can watch go outside and play.” “When,” which implies that you expect obedience, works better than “if,” which suggests that the child has a choice when you don’t mean to give him one. 10. Legs First, Mouth Second In a negotiation, a long pause is sometimes the most effective tactic to come to an agreement. With kids, the same is true. Let your child know that you aren’t trying to monopolize their mind. Stop talking so much. Be comfortable with silence. You will be happier at work, with your spouse and your kids. Pencil out exactly how your child feels, this will help them to calm down, stop screaming and crying will lead to maturity. This same logic is precisely why powerpoint presentations have such a dopamine effect, a good powerpoint provides the illusion of completeness, clear, compelling and memorable. At a minimum, you will feel better after having a visual medium represent your concerns. Same applies to your child.

Documenting considerations, writing things down is sometimes viewed as a liability. In reality, writing things down will help shift your mind off of the consideration and make space for other matters. In negotiations, repeating what your counterparty has just said is a powerful mirroring technique. With a child, writing considerations down = problem solving and it works to calm them. Reading this book, I’ve felt really guilty. All the things in this book that they’re telling you NOT to do, are exactly what I was doing before. I was using rewards, I was using threats, I was using the timeout corner. I was using all these different methods and still pulling my hair out because they weren’t working. But I love how this book also sympathizes with the parents. The authors are parents as well and have been in your shoes. They tell you that it’s okay to be angry from time to time, it only means you’re human. They reassure you that it’s not too late to instill these new rules to create a more loving and trusting household. Offer a simple alternative if kids don’t want the “grown-up” food – peanut butter sandwich, bread and cheese, hard-boiled. Describing progress when the goal hasn’t been fully achieved: “You got the shoe over your toes! Now let’s push it all the way on.” Get the child on the same team. First, except the emotional joy of riding a tricycle in the living room. Second, can you define what the problem is which is that your little sister could get her fingers caught in the wheels. Thirdly, we need an idea to solve for the problem.

Probably the most widely used parenting technique. At work, if you give the colleague the power to choose a path for themselves they will be more likely to follow you. Avoid false choices like “I can spank you with my rights hand or my left hand.” Contrived consequences like time-outs and grounding can modify behavior in the short term, but they don’t teach a kid much because you don’t get any buy-in from the kid. It’s a top-down system that demoralizes when what you really want is to enlighten and instruct.

Here are the greatest quotes and highlights from the book:

One study found that when people are offered large monetary rewards to complete a challenge, their creativity and engagement in the task plummets. Rewards helped people perform well on some very simple mechanical tasks, but as soon as they needed cognitive skills, rewards interfered with their ability to function.”