Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons

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This has happened over and over again. I am wondering if I should give up or maybe try to go for professional counselling. I really want to have a healthy relationship with her but I don’t live in the same city. Does anyone have any advice?? Please help! For example, one study that conducted in-depth interviews of seven men and seven women who reported sexual abuse by a female perpetrator, most of whom experienced severe sexual abuse by their mothers, found a range of long-term damaging effects. Victims reported and/or experienced depression, difficulties with substance abuse, self-injury, increased suicide rate, rage, strained relationships with women, identity issues, and discomfort with sex (Denov, 2004). I’m a single parent and I have tried to over compensate for her not having her father in her life. She moved out of my place when she was 29 and now lives in another city than me. We have both agreed that we wanted to live in the same city. I put my house up for sale. I have now sold it and I have to move. I don’t want to live in the city she lives in because there are no doctors and I found there’s a lot of pollution. I am struggling because she does want to move from where she lives but her fiance doesn’t want to move. If the boy experiences sexual arousal or pleasure during the abuse, he enjoyed it, and it was not abuse, because he participated. Friedersdorf, C. (2016, November 28). The understudied female sexual predator. The Atlantic. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/11/the-understudied-female-sexual-predator/503492

Some American folk-tales often feature figures, like Jocasta, expressing maternal desire for their sons. [9] My situation is my spouses adult daughter who is 24 going on 25. She most certainly does not pull her weight. In the 2 years that I have been living with him and her and that is including my 2 out of the 3 kids. Honestly I have tried to approach this situation multiple times and in different manners. I think truthfully I am upset with both of them because she kind of had hit me with personal things when it came to her dad and her mom or her dad and her ex step mom. So I felt for her, but what she told me and what I am seeing its like night and day. So she steadily doesn’t pull her weight, she is gone 85-90% of the time and has an animal that she don’t take care of. She doesn’t help supply or replenish what she uses or doesn’t even ask with the exception of laundry. Great article; it scratches at the surface of a complex topic deep enough for readers to appreciate the complexity without being overwhelmed, hunger for more broad and depth of info, while also providing an intuitive set of actionable steps to experiment with while learning. I appreciate the courage it takes publish any content for scrutiny, but especially when that content treads into the murky waters of relationships. Thank you. This book is a precious gift to mothers of boys, filled with insights, inspiration, and practical suggestions for allowing our sons to loved and celebrated for who they are. I loved it and have already been recommending it to my clients and parent community. Thank you, Maggie, for sharing your wisdom with such love and clarity!” — Susan Stiffelman (MFT), Family therapist and author of Parenting Without Power Struggles and Parenting With Presence Book contents

I have three adult children.They are all living on their own and have families.The situation is two of the children are totally excluding one son out.Are not communicating or any type of a relationship.This is over a family gathering that they were helping my husband and I at our house.There was the situation where the son was over stepping his authority and he was very bossy and wasn’t afraid to give directions when nobody was doing anything.It been about 4 years now I am so troubled because this son is going through some very hard times and needs to know his family is there.He’s just lost a very important person in his life and he’s having surgery and the two haven’t called him or made any atemped to.It does bother him that they don’t want to have a relationship with him .But it’s really bothering me right now because I’ve been taught you be there when family needs you.I want to say something but am feeling like I should stay out of it.I’ve told them all I sorry this happened at a time when they were helping me.I don’t feel this should be going on so long I feel as it’s also because the ousted son sober up and the others haven’t and this has a lot to do with it.

Yesterday she called me a liar over something trivial and when I insisted I wasn’t lying she got very angry and said I was overly sensitive because she was joking and I couldn’t take a joke! She put all of the blame on me. I did not think she was joking or even that we were actually joking around. I took time to inwardly focus on how much I love her and how much I wish for her. Then I talked to her with as much intensity and gentleness as I could, telling her the story about the day she was born, and how I burst with love and commitment for her, and what my wishes and hopes were for her then and now. I didn’t say anything about the matters which had been in contention. She cried and said, “Now I don’t even feel like keeping that plan…” and I won’t ramble about details, but there was a change. Maggie shares her five key secrets that every mum needs to know, and uses the voices of men she has worked with and surveyed to reveal what really matters in a boy’s relationship with his mother and other mother figures. A mother of four sons herself, Maggie Dent draws on her personal experience – and over four decades work as a teacher, counsellor and now author and speaker – to help build understanding, empathy and compassion for our boys.My now 21 year old son who has anxiety and PTSD also had substance abuse issues so about 5 years ago, I went to Nar-anon meetings for about 6 months. The wisdom available at those meetings is invaluable, and can carry over to the issues I am reading here (and experiencing myself). I’m pretty sure the attendees wont care if you go and you don’t have a loved one with addiction. If you are a victim of any type of sexual abuse or assault, reach out to a therapist. There is no need to suffer in silence when help is available. If you are a victim of mother-son incest, clearly articulate your experiences to your therapist. The shame is not yours. When I have asked him if he has talked to her it’s always an excuse and then sometimes I don’t think he does tell her because the things I have complained about it is still happening. I don’t know I guess, I am here because I am to my breaking point and I feel like having the same conversation just isn’t sufficing. I truly feel like I am going insane. This is most of my stress. I feel like I am being taken advantage of. I have done plenty for her an him but I just feel like it is a take and take some more kind of environment. Thanks for your input, an interesting point of view leading me to question the so called sanctity of motherhood. For me, for many like me, motherhood is not something I can take to be sacred or saintly. There are 7bn people on the earth, on average half of them are women… not all of them are going to be good people, balanced people or people who fit into any one other persons world view of right or wrong. I love my adult daughter very much! We were close until she turned 23. We did everything together and we showed love and respect for each other.

One of the most prevalent mothering styles, me-firsts are unable to view their children as separate individuals and tend to be self-absorbed and insecure. Their offspring will learn from an early age that their role is to make their mother shine. Children of a me-first mother… Life in the 40s. A more focused career (or perhaps a career change), raising children, planning for caregiving as parents and grandparents age, continued education.My adult 37 year old daughter, bought a condo with me when my husband died suddenly. Sharing the cost of living expenses has allowed both of us, some financial freedom when other wise we would both really struggle.

I am seeking help on how to better my relationship with her. She is 43 and i am 65. She blames me for her insecurities, and anxiety. I read about overwhelming mother…..after reading that i may be overwhelming at times and will try to not do that….She keeps blaming me for her anxiety and insecurities . She is a very well educated person hold a very high post. I thought i brought up my kids well, it seems like i may not have. I don’t know what to do. I am so dumbfounded. Yes it was hard for me when i had kids…i had 4 children by age of 34. I did work very very hard to put them to the best school and paid for their undergrade degrees. I nurtured and cared for them to the best of my knowledge…. No matter what the situation, be persistent in pursuing a relationship with your adult children, recognizing that you may be closer to some of them than others. If your child is completely ignoring you and you’ve already attempted to ask why you may need to give them time and space. Don’t take it personally, and consistently express your desire for a relationship when they’re ready. Adult Children Who Disrespect Their Parents

in the long run kids behave in adulthood more like the adults have been behaving, not so much like their adolescent selves…. Have hope!