Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

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Fern critiques the prevailing assumption that healthy relationships are dyadic by in the field of attachment theory, and that behaviours out of the monogamous model is associated with insecure attachment styles. She additionally proposes that monogamous relationships may rely on the relationship structure rather than secure attachment to function. Robinson, M. (2013). Polyamory and monogamy as strategic identities. Journal of Bisexuality, 13(1), 21–38. Our products are environmentally friendly and used by market leaders to protect and secure goods worldwide. Domingue, R., & Mollen, D. (2009). Attachment and conflict communication in adult romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26(5), 678–696.

In monogamous, heterosexual terms, we were “friends with benefits” discovering that we probably wouldn’t become more than that—and in this conversation, we decided that was a good thing. In fact, we became, and remain, close friends.Ka, W. L., Bottcher, S., & Walker, B. R. (2020). Attitudes toward consensual non-monogamy predicted by sociosexual behavior and avoidant attachment. Current Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-020-00941-8 There are several reasons I love this book. It is divided into thirds, and I find myself recommending the first third to anyone that has relationships (which is everyone), because it discusses attachment theory in a beautifully accessible manner. Her explanation avoids overly scientific jargon and gives a succinct but thorough overview of how attachment, both secure and insecure, looks in children, but takes it a step further and provides information as to how the four attachment styles can manifest in adults. She also includes several helpful charts and graphs that give a lovely visual description of attachment styles that so many of my polyam clients (and monogamous clients!) have found helpful. This book is worth reading for the first section alone--understanding your attachment style is key to moving toward healthy and securely attached relationships and friendships.

Most forms of consensual non-monogamy (and there are many, as Fern describes) take that structure away, and so often lay bare our childhood wounds and attachment issues. For example, fear of abandonment can become intense when your spouse goes out on dates with others; asking for what you need can trigger greater anxieties of rejection when your mate has other “options.” In this sense, polyamory forces you to deal with past traumas, whatever their type—and quite often, it compels previously monogamous couples to take a fresh, hard look at their attachment to each other.

While Fern strives to make the book accessible to lay readers, this book presumes that the reader already has some sort of reflective practice in their life, or at least are not resistant to reflection. Fern invites you to reflect on your attachment styles and that of loved ones around you, and move towards secure attachment within yourself and with others for a fulfilling and thriving relationship. Ten Brink, S., Coppens, V., Huys, W., & Morrens, M. (2021). The psychology of kink: A survey study into the relationships of trauma and attachment style with BDSM interests. Sexuality Research and Social Policy, 18(1), 1–12. Possibly because it's the middle of the pandemic, and my reading brain isn't as sharp, but the beginning chapters of the book were a little dry and hard for me to get into. However, the middle and ending were both more readable, and helpful. I also found her list of challenges that couples may face transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy (from her clients’ lived experiences) really helpful: We work with a network of global supply partners that allow us to offer best value on a wide range of quality products.

Mohr, J. J., Selterman, D., & Fassinger, R. E. (2013). Romantic attachment and relationship functioning in same-sex couples. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 60, 72–82.

Schmitt, D. P., et al. (2004). Patterns and universals of adult romantic attachment across 62 cultural regions: Are models of self and of other pancultural constructs? Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 35(4), 367–402. Moors, A. C., Conley, T. D., Edelstein, R. S., & Chopik, W. J. (2015). Attached to monogamy? Avoidance predicts willingness to engage (but not actual engagement) in consensual non-monogamy. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(2), 222–240. We ultimately developed a rare depth of attachment; we’re secure enough so that we’ve been able to love others without weakening our bond. In fact, loving other people (and kids and cats) together has strengthened our relationship. For people who are new to nonmonogamy, this may give some questions to chew on, and it may be helpful to get you more oriented in the world of nonmonogamy, but it's mostly for people who are well into it and working through more than one important, emotionally committed relationship.

Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern extends attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy. Using her nested model of attachment and trauma, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships. Then, she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships. Polysecure is both a theoretical treatise and a practical guide. Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern – eBook Details Moors, A. C., Ryan, W., & Chopik, W. J. (2019). Multiple loves: The effects of attachment with multiple concurrent romantic partners on relational functioning. Personality and Individual Differences, 147, 102–110. A practical guide to nurturing healthy, loving non-monogamous relationships using attachment theory. One concept the author touched on that I'd never seen before, is our childhood attachment patterns might be MIXED. We might have had one parent/adult to whom we enjoyed a secure attachment, and another who was inconsistent, even abusive/traumatic. As this translates to polyamory, we might have one partner to whom we are securely attached, and another with whom our attachment is anxious, avoidant, or mixed, possibly because they push those same buttons. This was tremendously helpful for me. It would be a shame, however, if only polyamorous people read Polysecure—because, as this book reveals, polyamorous relationships have a great deal to teach everyone about how to create dependable, enduring connections with others. Attachment theory basics

Attachment theory has entered the mainstream, but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships. What if, like many people, you're striving for secure, happy attachments with more than one partner? Barker, M. (2011). Monogamies and non-monogamies: A response to “The challenge of monogamy: Bringing it out of the closet and into the treatment room” by Marianne Brandon. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 26(3), 281–287. I most loved how Fern dedicates space to discussing the importance of developing a secure attachment with ourselves. She writes about having a healthy relationship with oneself in a way that emphasizes how we can act as our own warm shelters to weather the storms of life, without framing this self-love in a trite or formulaic way. Fern offers specific strategies and actions we can take to tune into ourselves and enhance our relationships with ourselves, just as she provides tangible steps to strengthen the quality of our relationships with others. I won’t give away the secrets of Fern’s book in this review, but I will say the roadmap she offers for cultivating secure attachment with multiple partners is extremely helpful, and perhaps even revolutionary. At the end of the book, she stresses that people pursuing such relationships must, above all, earn a secure attachment with their own selves.