Arguably, the most important connection-building technique is something we’ve already discussed: repair. Your goal should never be to avoid relationship ruptures – because that’s impossible. But if you learn the skill of repair, you’ll strengthen your relationships and give your children the skills they need to be resilient in the future. Agreeing to the “good inside” belief is the foundation for everything that’s coming next. Because once you treat your children, yourself, and everyone, really, with the understanding that they’re inherently good inside, you’ll start to make more generous interpretations of their behavior. Gentle Parenting is not completely new. "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen" was published in 1999 and suggests treating kids with respect and consideration. (I think it's a great book -- highly recommend). "Kids, Parents, Power Struggles" by Kurcinka was published in 2001. However, the primary thrust of Kurcinka was to develop a close relationship with your child, NOT that you are responsible for managing their emotions.

Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

We want our kids to want for themselves. As parents, we want our kids to be able to recognize and assert their desires, to be able to hold onto the idea ‘I know what I want, even when people around me tell me no.’ But we cannot encourage subservience and compliance in our kids when they’re young and expect confidence and assertiveness when they’re older. It doesn’t work that way.Children should be treated with respect and not as adversaries. Their behaviors should get the most generous interpretation and least aggressive correction.

Good Inside: The new Sunday Times bestselling gentle

Next, you need to accept the fundamental truth that two things can be true at the same time. Even if the two things don’t necessarily get along with each other. For instance, your child wants ice cream for breakfast, and you don’t allow them to have ice cream for breakfast. When you allow both things to be true, you won’t feel the need to completely change your child’s feelings. As someone who gets overstimulated easily, tantrums can be hard for me to deal with. It always helps to remind myself that tantrums, while uncomfortable, are normal and healthy. In these moments, the child is experiencing an emotion that is simply too big for them to regulate at their stage of development. Once safety is accomplished, connect with your child. Get to the root of why they lost control and help them understand. Don’t forget to tell the truth.

Minimizing anxiety around food is sometimes more important than the consumption of that food. Give dessert alongside the meal to lower the states and take sweets down from the pedestal (I do this with my daughter and it works extremely well. She loves treats but doesn’t hyperfocus on them and has never thrown a tantrum when I’ve said no to a treat). Here are examples of ‘not’ boundaries, but instead ways we essentially ask our kids to do our jobs for us.”